Dear Pat Johnston - Director of Consumer Credit / Capital One,
I really need a few more offers from you before I finally collapse in a heap of return envelopes, important disclosures and fake cardboard credit cards. Only 7 generous offers from your company this week - not enough to wear me down. But, please feel free to continue trying - change the language of your offer (just slightly), or give me 0.0% APR for 18 months rather than 12, or 5.9% financing for *life (btw, what's that asterisk?), or maybe use a "Yes, I Want It" sticker rather than a checkbox, or try "Very Urgent Matter" on the envelope rather than the plain old "Time Sensitive Material"... I think eventually, I'll just give in just so you'll LEAVE ME ALONE! But wait, if I take one of your god-forsaken credit cards, will you actually stop harrassing me?
What's my real incentive here? How about if I take two cards? Then will you stop? How about if I promise to watch your annoying spokesperson's movies or reruns of his TV shows until I'm sickened even more than I am by your waste of paper and waste of mailbox space (not to mention my garbage can space!) Please! Just Stop!
For now, I'll just keep sending back to you all that helpful marketing material in each and every pre-paid return envelope you provide - as my own personal recycling effort... maybe everyone i know can do that too... I hope you appreciate that.
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